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Fostering teen

independence

while still keeping them close

When a child is little, it clings to its mother or father. But parents know that doesn’t last forever.  Pretty soon, their kids are teenagers and they want to do everything on their own terms.  Licensed social worker and president of daniel, Jim Clark, offers the following tips on how to help your teens feel independent but still keep them close:

Fostering Good Teen Communication:

Many teenagers seem to live their lives in their rooms with the door closed.  How should parents deal with this?

·        Parents do need to give teenagers privacy, so simply knock before entering.

·        Keep talking to your teens even if it seems like it’s going in one ear and out the other- make sure to keep communicating with them. 

·        Figure out what topics interest them and talk about those, whether it’s their favorite band or their favorite sports team.

·        Research shows that the biggest single protection against high-risk teenage behavior, like substance abuse, is a strong emotional connection with a parent.

Stop Short of Spying:

Suppose a parent suspects his or her child is doing something bad, like smoking marijuana.  With all the technology these days little hidden cameras, the parent could spy on their child, but they really shouldn’t.

·        To develop and keep a strong relationship with your teenagers, you need to build trust.  If your teen found out you were spying, he/she probably isn’t going to trust you.

·        The key to keeping a good relationship with your teen is communication.

·        If you overhear your teenager talking about doing something that you’ve forbidden, like drinking at a friend’s house, let them know you overhead.  Tell them you are concerned and that kind of behavior is not acceptable.

Call in Professional Help If Needed:

If parents shouldn’t spy but they can’t get their kids to talk, what should they do if they suspect their teen is doing drugs?

·        When it reaches a certain point, you do need to call in professional help.  If after a few weeks, you’re not getting anywhere, take your teen to see a therapist.  A trained professional has experience dealing with these sorts of issues.

Setting Ground Rules:

Teenagers are out of their parents’ sight a lot…driving, hanging out with their friends, going to parties.  What sort of ground rules should parents set for when their teen goes out?

·        Set limits on their behavior based on your family’s values and principles. Make sure your teenager understands these rules.

·        One issue for a lot of parents and teens is curfew.  Parents want one time, but of course their teens want it to be a few hours later.  This is an opportunity for parents to let teens show them they can assume more responsibility.  Set a curfew, like 10 p.m.  If your teenager shows for several weeks that she or he can abide by that curfew, then extend it to 10:30 or 11.

·        Let your teens know they are not allowed at parties where those will be present and that you need to know where they are and who is in charge.  These rules will probably annoy them, but remind them that they’re put in place to make sure they stay safe.

Appropriate Punishments:

What if a teenager does disobey the rules, like breaking curfew or getting caught at a party with drugs? What’s appropriate punishment?

·        The appropriate punishment depends on the situation.  If a teen breaks curfew, it would be appropriate to move his curfew time back.  If he is caught at a party with drugs, then they are not allowed to go to parties for a few weeks.

·        Use reason and rational to explain the punishment and emphasize that it’s being given because you are concerned about your teenager’s well-being.

·        Punish once you calm down. Remember the punishment is to redirect the behavior, not humiliate your teen. Don’t pick something so extreme that it will alienate your teenager from you.

Sources/Links:

http://www.familyeducation.com/home/